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Wednesday, February 14th, 2001
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5:16 pm
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depending how i feel is going to determine where i write. here or scribble. also scribble's tendency to fuck off will be a major factor. this is so easy but i don't like the layout, i don't have money to pay for one either.
i'm in memphis cos things are looking a little dizzy. goddamn you.
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| Tuesday, February 13th, 2001
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10:32 pm
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this was going to be posted earlier (i actually like to be on time sometimes). sorry i'm late. i'm hungry. i'm completely up for lying around and eating chocolates while we discuss everything under the sun...
i haven't listened to nirvana in ages. i mean months... but i'd been practising nirvana on geetar. anyway i had to listen to "rape me" the other day. i thought "fuck this song will forever stand on its own" - if you know what i mean. anyway it's valentine's.
pure text cos i'm not sure how to make graphics anymore.
hey wait
i've got a new complaint
forever in debt to you (r priceless advice)
i love you. yes YOU. really i do.
pierce my heart with a million maybes / this time it's gotta be different
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6:47 am - 0002
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carly and joy came over, carly hugged me and my messenger bag. she heard a crinkle - usually i have some sort of treat in it for her but this time i didn't. "lishyyy what do you have...?" nothing. yes you do. no i don't. "sorry but i don't, you can look if you want?" she looks. "lishy what are these?!" i didn't look at first and then when i did look, she's waving tampons in the air. "the wrapper is very crunchy lishy, what's inside? is it new candy?" joy's smirking and i'm not sure what i should say. "those are um... mummy will tell you what those are..."
so i don't get any "why do you carry tampons with you?" i'm prone to start my period at the wrong time; school usually.
the other time it was my condom stash (bulked up by fiona). "these smell so good lishy! are they fruit roll-ups? why doncha eat them lishy?" and why do i have a condom stash? because i like they way they taste & smell. i won't explain the taste part though. but no, i don't eat them.
either i don't hide things very good (i have them in a box in the back of my closet) or she's a very good finder.
while i'm the topic of personal health care : we debated on whether we should start the great tampon-condom trade. fuck the rest of the shit you can get from people you don't know around the world; do you really need a postcard from some shithole town? no. make it something useful like tampons or condoms or something. then again if you don't know the person are you really going to want something like that going in/on your body (doesn't matter if it's in the wrapper still)? ew. so we collect them then - but who would collect international condoms besides me, and who would collect international tampons besides thom? imagine the sheer joy of receiving a tiny packet in the mail and knowing it's a condom or tampon from some country you've never visited... why everyday would be like halloween. christmas? whatever.
i'm thinking about making some tampon/pad carrying cases, whatever you prefer to call it. if you'd be interested let me know. assuming i can find supplies, they'll be made out of tin or something & i'll decorate them with girly things.
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| Monday, February 12th, 2001
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6:34 am - 0001
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everything seems to be long distance in my life; friends, school, him. i'm not sure how it happens but it's always been like that & i'd give anything for it not to be that way. i might push people away but sometimes i'd like to push people right into me. i miss people i've never met, i miss someone i only met for five minutes and i miss people who i see often enough. i even miss people when they're right by my side; i'm that terrible.
doesn't anybody understand how fucking hard it is? it makes me want to break. have you ever felt that desperation at 1am? that feeling of "where are you? where are you and why aren't you here?" once... so many times... i've been so dilusional that i believed someone would show up. i mean if i wanted them there that bad, for sure i could ESP them here. yes i wish.
sometimes i don't know what i'm going to do. i know if go to london that i'm not going to want to come home. fuck this city, fuck everybody in it & fuck my life here. i never ran away as a child but now i'm going to - i know i will. think "you have to do what you have to do" but how's that going to help? i live in london and what then? complication. am i going to spend my life hopping on planes & bawling my eyes out in my room? i'm so scared to be alone... it's one of my biggest fears. don't fucking tell me to find people around here because there's no-one here, ok? i'm not asking for help. i just want to feel safe.
saturday my mother covered me with a warm blanket and i wanted to cry. lately i've been feeling like "babylon" by david gray... i love david gray, how dare anyone say he's untalented? "space and time" by the verve too. i took drugs to escape, i partied to escape. smoking spliffs and dancing makes me forget (for awhile anyway). anything to make me forget. because you see i don't ever forget - i'm constantly reminded of everything. it's my fault for associating things with people and vice versa. somewhat recently i banged my head on the wall because i couldn't forget about this guy touching me while i was asleep... they were talking about germs on the news. it's the most disgusting thing to feel someone's dirty hands underneath my singlet, on my stomach while i'm asleep. there's no satisfaction for me in knowing he was beaten severely; i want it to of never happened. i want him to not exist. i picked myself up, got my box down & went outside to smoke a spliff. it doesn't help me feel better but it cleared my mind. i don't do it anymore; the last time i smoked was at the end of january. when i talk about things like this i always hear "why didn't you tell me about that?!" when it [the incident with that germ] happened i wrote about it, and aside from two people no-one else said a word. that's fine cos i wasn't asking for attention. or my all-time fave : "do you want to talk about it?" absolutely not. i'm done talking about it, don't fucking pull one of those "i really care" moves on me. fuck your sympathy.
i want it to get better & i want it to get better right now.
so many things i need to tell you / so many things you need to hear / how can i be sure in a world that's constantly changing? the world changes too much. it's too fast even for me. one day i'm afraid i'm going to wake up and nothing's going to be the way it used to be. how do you find yourself alone? does it happen suddenly or gradually? i should know afterall, i am twenty. but i don't know... i don't ever want to find out either.
whatever you do, don't let me go.
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destruction's journal